Toilet Seat Aesthetics

Men and women need no more reasons to bicker. They have no trouble creating their own bones of contention. So as a public service, I would like to eliminate one source of confrontation among many heterosexual couples—the battle over whether to leave up or put down the toilet seat.

Unfortunately the logical solution, though completely fair, fails utterly the test of aesthetics. The issue becomes an artistic or creative one the moment we see how the logic works, yet fails to satisfy the sensitivities of those of us driven by the need to innovate, invent, and create a better world.

First, the logic:

When a man stands in front of the toilet, it is proper that he lift the round or oval seat. A woman settles herself there and fittingly prefers that it be free of splash.

In the interests of sanitation and domestic tranquility, men are expected to put the lid down when they have finished their business. But is this fair? It means he must lift the lid before using the accommodation and put it down afterwards. If he complies, his female partner finds the seating arrangement always as she prefers.

It would be measurably fairer, if each moved the seat once. When the man finds the seat down, he lifts it and leaves it. When the woman finds it up, she lowers in and leaves it. One move per partner rather than two for one and none for the other. No need to think outside the box to understand this simple calculation.

Just as a woman would be put off, and rightly so, by the request from a man to always put the seat back up, she should not insist that she find the seat always in the position she prefers. That is, if fairness were the only consideration.

Now, the aesthetics:

Luckily we are human and as humans most of us can comprehend aesthetics. Were it not for aesthetics—our appreciation for that which is beautiful and pleasant to experience—we might descend into the rule of logic and literal fairness. Goodbye to inventions and innovations that exist merely to make our lives more pleasant--automotive design, fashion design, industrial design. No more eye-catching curve of the fender, no pulse-raising flow of the blouse, no sensuous shape of the kitchen appliance!

Without aesthetics we'd endure horribly practical inventions and an endless procession of rational arguments led eagerly by literalists who raise rhetoric up as a god. Logical blockheads deserve to have the toilet seat slammed on their heads as they drink. After all, once flushed it is perfectly potable water.

I'll drink to aesthetics!

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