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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark TwainLove is not the dying moan of a distant violin--it's the triumphant
twang of a bedspring.
S. J. Perelman
Listen: We are here on Earth to fool around. Don't let anyone tell you
any different.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 13
Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God
talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to
yours.
Yogi Berra
I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that
sometimes I dont understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't
it get us out?
Will Rogers
In the end, everything is a
gag.
Charlie Chaplin
If one always tells the truth one is sure, sooner or later, to be found
out.
Oscar Wilde
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain
Artificial Stupidity (AS) may be defined as the attempt by computer
scientists to create computer programs capable of causing
problems of a
type normally associated with human thought.
Wallace Marshall
Journal of Irreproducible Results (1987)
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Thank God kids
never mean well.
Lily Tomlin
Now there's a man with an open mind. You can feel the
breeze from here.
Groucho Marx
The form of government that is most suitable to the
artist is no
government at all.
Oscar Wilde
God created man in his own image and man, being a gentleman, returned the
favor.
Mark Twain
Honesty is the best policy when
there is money in it.
Mark Twain
It is only the shallow people who do not
judge by appearances.
Oscar Wilde
Between two evils, I always choose the one I have
never tried before.
Mae West
There is no comedy in heaven.
Mark Twain
Satire died when Henry Kissinger got the Nobel Peace Prize.
Tom Lehrer
There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can
read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively,
these methods are known as 'nutty methods.' Or you can put well-researched
facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as "a
complete waste of time.
Scott Adams
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I have found that ideas come when you have a great desire to find them; the mind becomes a kind of
watchtower; for any incident that might excite the imagination; music, a sunset, etc, can germinate an idea.
Charlie Chaplin
With genius, they don't know what they're doing as they're doing it.
Steve Martin
What a good thing Adam had--when he said a good thing,
he knew nobody had said it before.
Mark Twain
I can resist everything except
temptation.
Oscar Wilde
Imitation
is the sincerest form of television.
Fred Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a
plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common
humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Mark Twain
Anyone who waits to be struck with a good idea has a long wait coming. If
I have a deadline for a column or a television script, I sit down at the
typewriter and damn well decide to have an idea.
Andy Rooney
Think left and think right and think low and think high
Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try.
Dr. Seuss
History never repeats itself. The historians
repeat each other.
Oscar Wilde
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is, "Probably because of something you did.
Jack Handey, Saturday Night Live, "Deep Thoughts"
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I have never let my schooling interfere with my
education.
Mark Twain
People who want to share their
religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry
You can observe a lot by watching.
Yogi Berra
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like bananas.
Groucho Marx
This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state.
I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might
as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to
the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible
as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail.
Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last
gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
George Carlin, on Saturday Night Live
It's not what you don't know that hurts you, it's what you do know that ain't
so.
Will Rogers
If a man would follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he
would be a criminal. If he would follow strictly the teachings of the New,
he would be insane.
Robert G. Ingersoll
It is better to know some of the quotations than all of the
answers.
James Thurber
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the
stars.
Oscar Wilde
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The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of
Saturn
are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark Russell
A crank is a man with a new idea--until it
catches on.
Mark Twain
I didn't really say everything I said.
Yogi Berra
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde
You can't depend on your eyes when your
imagination is out of focus.
Mark Twain
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy
nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
Man was made at the end of the week's work when
God was tired.
Mark Twain
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
Mark Twain
I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his
ability.
Oscar Wilde
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Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a
chain or freed a human soul.
Mark Twain
It ain't over 'til it's over.
Yogi Berra
Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a
friend, but it requires a
very fine nature to sympathize with a friends success.
Oscar Wilde
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who
are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Mark Twain
No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it.
Charles Schulz
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
Groucho Marx
There'll be moments when you get a
spark,
a gleam of light, and--boom! You're gone. It seems easy.
But then it goes away, and it gets so incredibly hard.
Robin Williams
Nobody is normal.
Dave Barry
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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the
majority, it's time to pause and
reflect.
Mark Twain
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which
ones to keep.
Scott Adam
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
Dave Barry
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a
pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble
efforts of my lifetime will someday be
noticed,
and maybe, in some small way, they will be
acknowledged
as the greatest works of genius ever created by
Man.
Jack Handey It's deja vu all over again.
Yogi Berra Einstein had no facts to go on, only facts to contradict.
Steve Martin
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.
But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Jack Handey
A penny saved is worthless.
Dave Barry
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Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy
driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
George Burns Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble
efforts of my lifetime will someday be
noticed,
and maybe, in some small way, they will be
acknowledged
as the greatest works of genius ever created by
Man.
Jack Handey It's deja vu all over again.
Yogi Berra The only honest art form is
laughter, comedy.
Lenny Bruce Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any
club that will have me as a member.
Groucho Marx Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers
What humor is, not all the Tribe
Of Logick-mongers can describe
Jonathan Swift
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