Jokers

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin--it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
—S. J. Perelman

Listen: We are here on Earth to fool around. Don't let anyone tell you any different.
—Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 13

Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
—Lily Tomlin

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
—Yogi Berra

I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
—Oscar Wilde

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
—Woody Allen

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
—Will Rogers 

In the end, everything is a gag.
—Charlie Chaplin

If one always tells the truth one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
—Oscar Wilde

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
—Mark Twain

Artificial Stupidity (AS) may be defined as the attempt by computer scientists to create computer programs capable of causing problems of a type normally associated with human thought.
—Wallace Marshall
Journal of Irreproducible Results (1987)

Thank God kids never mean well.
—Lily Tomlin

Now there's a man with an open mind. You can feel the breeze from here.
—Groucho Marx

The form of government that is most suitable to the artist is no government at all.
—Oscar Wilde

God created man in his own image and man, being a gentleman, returned the favor.
—Mark Twain

Honesty is the best policy when there is money in it.
—Mark Twain

It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearances.
—Oscar Wilde

Between two evils, I always choose the one I have never tried before.
—Mae West

There is no comedy in heaven.
—Mark Twain

Satire died when Henry Kissinger got the Nobel Peace Prize.
—Tom Lehrer

There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as 'nutty methods.' Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time.
—Scott Adams

I have found that ideas come when you have a great desire to find them; the mind becomes a kind of watchtower; for any incident that might excite the imagination; music, a sunset, etc, can germinate an idea.
—Charlie Chaplin

With genius, they don't know what they're doing as they're doing it.
—Steve Martin

What a good thing Adam had--when he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.
—Mark Twain

I can resist everything except temptation.
—Oscar Wilde

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
—Fred Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. 
—Woody Allen

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
—Mark Twain

Anyone who waits to be struck with a good idea has a long wait coming. If I have a deadline for a column or a television script, I sit down at the typewriter and damn well decide to have an idea.
—Andy Rooney

Think left and think right and think low and think high
Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try.
—Dr. Seuss

History never repeats itself. The historians repeat each other.
—Oscar Wilde

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did.
—Jack Handey, Saturday Night Live, "Deep Thoughts"

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 
—Mark Twain 

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
—Dave Barry

You can observe a lot by watching.
—Yogi Berra

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like bananas.
—Groucho Marx

This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
—George Carlin, on Saturday Night Live

It's not what you don't know that hurts you, it's what you do know that ain't so.
—Will Rogers 

If a man would follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he would be a criminal. If he would follow strictly the teachings of the New, he would be insane.
—Robert G. Ingersoll

It is better to know some of the quotations than all of the answers.
—James Thurber

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
—Stephen Wright

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
—Oscar Wilde

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
—Mark Russell

A crank is a man with a new idea--until it catches on.
—Mark Twain

I didn't really say everything I said.
—Yogi Berra

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
—Oscar Wilde

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
—Mark Twain

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
—George Carlin

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
—Mark Twain

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
—Mark Twain

I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
—Oscar Wilde

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
—Mark Twain

It ain't over 'til it's over.
—Yogi Berra

Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.
—Oscar Wilde

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
—Mark Twain

No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it. 
—Charles Schulz

Whatever it is, I'm against it.
—Groucho Marx

There'll be moments when you get a spark, a gleam of light, and--boom! You're gone. It seems easy. But then it goes away, and it gets so incredibly hard.
—Robin Williams

Nobody is normal.
—Dave Barry

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.
—Mark Twain 

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
— Scott Adam

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
—Dave Barry

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
—Groucho Marx

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
—Charlie Chaplin

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
—Jack Handey

It's deja vu all over again.
—Yogi Berra

Einstein had no facts to go on, only facts to contradict.
—Steve Martin

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
—Jack Handey

A penny saved is worthless.
—Dave Barry

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
—George Burns

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
—Jack Handey

It's deja vu all over again.
—Yogi Berra

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy.
—Lenny Bruce

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
—Groucho Marx

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
—Will Rogers

What humor is, not all the Tribe
Of Logick-mongers can describe
—Jonathan Swift
 

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