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Jokers

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen


Listen: We are here on Earth to fool around. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 13


If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”
—Jack Handey, Saturday Night Live, “Deep Thoughts"


If a man would follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he would be a criminal. If he would follow strictly the teachings of the New, he would be insane.
Robert G. Ingersoll


Now there’s a man with an open mind. You can feel the breeze from here.
—Groucho Marx


It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearances.
Oscar Wilde


Satire died when Henry Kissinger got the Nobel Peace Prize.
—Tom Lehrer


I have found that ideas come when you have a great desire to find them; the mind becomes a kind of watchtower; for any incident that might excite the imagination; music, a sunset, etc, can germinate an idea.
—Charlie Chaplin


No problem is so formidable that you can’t walk away from it. 
—Charles Schulz

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An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth.
—Mark Twain


It’s not what you don’t know that hurts you, it’s what you do know that ain’t so.
Will Rogers


Artificial Stupidity (AS) may be defined as the attempt by computer scientists to create computer programs capable of causing problems of a type normally associated with human thought.
—Wallace Marshall
Journal of Irreproducible Results (1987)


The form of government that is most suitable to the artist is no government at all.
Oscar Wilde


Between two evils, I always choose the one I have never tried before.
—Mae West


There is no comedy in heaven.
—Mark Twain


If one always tells the truth one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
Oscar Wilde


With genius, they don’t know what they’re doing as they’re doing it.
—Steve Martin


I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

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Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin


Some people have a way with words—others not have way.
Steve Martin


Honesty is the best policy when there is money in it.
—Mark Twain


Thank God kids never mean well.
Lily Tomlin


God created man in his own image and man, being a gentleman, returned the favor.
—Mark Twain


There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as ’nutty methods.’ Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as “a complete waste of time.
—Scott Adams


What a good thing Adam had—when he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.
—Mark Twain


Imitationis the sincerest form of television.
—Fred Allen


But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
—Mark Twain


People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
—Dave Barry

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Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday
Woody Allen


Anyone who waits to be struck with a good idea has a long wait coming. If I have a deadline for a column or a television script, I sit down at the typewriter and damn well decide to have an idea.
—Andy Rooney


History never repeats itself. The historians repeat each other.
Oscar Wilde


Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like bananas.
—Groucho Marx


It is better to know some of the quotations than all of the answers.
—James Thurber


The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
—Mark Russell


America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde


I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
—George Carlin


Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
—Mark Twain


Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
—Mark Twain

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Think left and think right and think low and think high
Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try.
—Dr. Seuss


I have never let my schooling interfere with my education
—Mark Twain


You can observe a lot by watching.
—Yogi Berra


This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
—George Carlin, on Saturday Night Live


24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
—Stephen Wright


A crank is a man with a new idea—until it catches on.
—>Mark Twain


You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
—Mark Twain


Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
—Mark Twain


It ain’t over ’til it’s over.
—Yogi Berra

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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Oscar Wilde


I didn’t really say everything I said.
—Yogi Berra


Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.
—Mark Twain


I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde


Whatever it is, I’m against it.
—Groucho Marx


No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
—Dave Barry


We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
—Jack Handey


It’s deja vu all over again.
Yogi Berra


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
—Mark Twain


Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
—Yogi Berra

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Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.
Oscar Wilde


Nobody is normal.
—Dave Barry


Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
— Scott Adam


Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
—Jack Handey


Einstein had no facts to go on, only facts to contradict.
—Steve Martin


Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
—George Burns


The only honest art form is laughter, comedy.
—Lenny Bruce


Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin—it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
—S. J. Perelman


Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen


Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
—Will Rogers

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What humor is, not all the Tribe
Of Logick-mongers can describe
—Jonathan Swift


There’ll be moments when you get a spark, a gleam of light, and—boom! You’re gone. It seems easy. But then it goes away, and it gets so incredibly hard.
—Robin Williams


Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect.
—Mark Twain


Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
—Groucho Marx


All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
—Charlie Chaplin


It’s deja vu all over again.
Yogi Berra


A penny saved is worthless.
—Dave Barry


I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde


If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
—Will Rogers


Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
—Groucho Marx


In the end, everything is a gag.
—Charlie Chaplin


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