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Problem Solving | Idea Generation | Training and Education | News and Information
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If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative. Listen: We are here on Earth to fool around. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.” If a man would follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he would be a criminal. If he would follow strictly the teachings of the New, he would be insane. Now there’s a man with an open mind. You can feel the breeze from here. It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearances. Satire died when Henry Kissinger got the Nobel Peace Prize. I have found that ideas come when you have a great desire to find them; the mind becomes a kind of watchtower; for any incident that might excite the imagination; music, a sunset, etc, can germinate an idea. No problem is so formidable that you can’t walk away from it. | ||
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An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth. It’s not what you don’t know that hurts you, it’s what you do know that ain’t so. Artificial Stupidity (AS) may be defined as the attempt by computer scientists to create computer programs capable of causing problems of a type normally associated with human thought. The form of government that is most suitable to the artist is no government at all. Between two evils, I always choose the one I have never tried before. There is no comedy in heaven. If one always tells the truth one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. With genius, they don’t know what they’re doing as they’re doing it. I can resist everything except temptation. | ||
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Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? Some people have a way with words—others not have way. Honesty is the best policy when there is money in it. Thank God kids never mean well. God created man in his own image and man, being a gentleman, returned the favor. There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as ’nutty methods.’ Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as “a complete waste of time. What a good thing Adam had—when he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before. Imitationis the sincerest form of television. But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. | ||
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Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Anyone who waits to be struck with a good idea has a long wait coming. If I have a deadline for a column or a television script, I sit down at the typewriter and damn well decide to have an idea. History never repeats itself. The historians repeat each other. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like bananas. It is better to know some of the quotations than all of the answers. The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. | ||
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Think left and think right and think low and think high I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. You can observe a lot by watching. This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? A crank is a man with a new idea—until it catches on. You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. It ain’t over ’til it’s over. | ||
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. I didn’t really say everything I said. Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired. I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. Whatever it is, I’m against it. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. It’s deja vu all over again. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. | ||
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Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success. Nobody is normal. Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man. Einstein had no facts to go on, only facts to contradict. Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin—it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring. Eighty percent of success is showing up. Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. | ||
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What humor is, not all the Tribe There’ll be moments when you get a spark, a gleam of light, and—boom! You’re gone. It seems easy.
But then it goes away, and it gets so incredibly hard. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect. Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped. All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl. It’s deja vu all over again. A penny saved is worthless. I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out? Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. In the end, everything is a gag. | ||
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© Copyright 1998-2011 Peter Lloyd